’Twas the Employment Law Night Before Christmas (2024 edition)

In what has become an annual tradition for my final post of the year, I bring you the holiday classic, 'Twas the Employment Law Night Before Christmas … tweaked for 2024.

To all of my readers, connections, and followers, new and legacy, thank you all for reading, commenting, and sharing throughout the year. Please have a happy and, most importantly, healthy and safe holiday season. I'll see everyone in 2025 with new content to kick off the new year, including a fresh batch of Worst Employer nominees.

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'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the office
Not a creature was stirring … well, just one of the bosses.
The bonuses were paid by the company with care,
In hopes that no ungrateful employees would swear.

The workers were home all snug on their thrones,
While visions of deadlines danced on their iPhones.
And I at my desk, alone to deal with the mess,
For the one who's in charge gets no holiday rest.

When outside the front door there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my desk to see what was the matter.
Away to the lobby I flew in a hurried jolt,
Tore open the shutters and threw open the bolt.

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
Gave a luster of midday to objects below.
When what to my wondering eyes did acquaint,
But Santa Claus holding an eight-count complaint.

Count One alleged that our practices weren't fair,
Promotion denied, claimed bias hung in the air.
"It's race discrimination," her lawyer did write,
"Your white employees get all of the light."

Count Two declared that the workplace was mean,
Racial slurs and jokes filled the in-between.
"The culture's toxic," her complaint did contend,
"And management failed to bring it to an end."

Count Three brought in sexism, her pay was too low,
Compared to the men, whose paychecks did grow.
"Equal work deserves equal pay," she alleged,
"But my pleas for fairness were always suppressed."

Count Four said harassment was running amok,
Her boss made advances, his behavior did suck.
"Quid pro quo," her complaint laid bare,
"Touching and comments, they didn't seem to care."

Count Five was artificial intelligence's domain,
She alleged its use caused a discriminatory strain.
"Your AI in hiring has a bias innate,
It rejects candidates who don't match your template!"

Count Six claimed we'd failed in our ADA chore,
She needed more time, but we showed her the door.
"Fired while healing," the allegations read,
"An interactive process you denied instead."

Count Seven alleged that we crossed the line,
Interfering with leave under FMLA's design.
"Retaliation followed when time off was sought,
Punished for rights that the law clearly brought."

Count Eight, a wage claim, a class action at that,
Unpaid overtime made my stomach fall flat.
Misclassifications, off-the-clock tasks galore,
Our payroll compliance was rotten to the core.

Not just a lawsuit was waiting, I see;
But also, a bargaining order from the NLRB.
Ungrateful employees want more pay and respect.
Damn that NLRB and their orders from Cemex!

What matters now is that union I must bust.
I'll turn their dreams of collective bargaining to dust.
How should I go about mitigating this conflict?
I'll bargain to an impasse; that'll do the trick.

I spoke not a single word, went back to my desk,
And yelled, with none to hear, "Do I ever get to rest?!"
I emailed our lawyer, thru my phone I exclaimed,
"How much trouble are we in? To me please explain!"

Into his phone, he gave to me this rejoinder:
"A lot; I'll need a $50,000 retainer."
But I also heard him proclaim, so as not to slight—
"Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good night!"